Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Glass half full

Today, I saw one of my colleagues who is less than a month away from giving birth, well, I see her everyday, but today was different.  She is so close to being full term, something I have never experienced.  I began to think about it and even look forward to it.  I know many complain of discomforts during the last few weeks of their pregnancy, but I would've given ANYTHING for my son to be able to finish out the pregnancy and be birthed healthy.  I think my perspective, though similar, will be glittered with happiness and enjoyment that I get to experience what so many feel are the toughest days of pregnancy.  Being able to deliver to term is more of an affirmation of a healthy pregnancy and baby.

Of course this realization also gave me a little trepidation and sadness.  Without a doubt, Trey needed to come out when he did for his own health and mine as well.  Thinking of those lost weeks reminds me of why he was born early and all of the biological reasons we don't have him with us now.  As each week of this pregnancy passes, I am thankful for the time we have with this baby.  With half of the pregnancy safely behind us, we move into a period of looking forward to more fetal movement, the birth,  and meeting our child for the first time. Our last pregnancy afforded us plenty of opportunities to feel Trey's movement, and though we did get to meet our little boy, it wasn't under the most ideal meeting or birthing experience.  I am so hoping for a birthing experience that is closer to "normal".  Well, as long as I am being completely honest, I wouldn't mind being induced, I think we had enough pre-labor drama to last a lifetime.  But, as I said, anything closer to "normal" would be a blessing.

We've got quite a while before we have to deal with all of that, and although when I look back it will seem like the time flew, it's still crawling at the speed of molasses.   For now, I am content to ponder the flutterings of the little one inside me who is now as big as a cantaloupe and as long as a banana from head to toe.  That in an of itself is AMAZING!!  I love reading each week about the baby's growth, surprisingly it feels like I am reading it all for the first time.  I am struggling to remember certain details of my last pregnancy, like what the flutters felt like or how certain foods made me feel or even if I was this "big" at this point with Trey.  Those are positive think points that I thought I would remember, the negative aspects of the last pregnancy seem to be more evident to me.  I am REALLY trying to change my focus, so remembering the more positive experiences is important to me.  It is more than easy to get caught up driving in the circles that are my negative emotions and feelings surrounding this pregnancy.  While I have to be gentle with myself and allow myself to endure the waves of these emotions and the fears that go along with them,  I don't want to look back and realize I have spent 9 months not enjoying this pregnancy for the beauty and blessing it is.

As with most journeys, we'll take it one step at a time.  Next week, we have a doctor's appointment and an ultrasound.  We are hoping our little one is a little more forthcoming with its gender but we will be more than satisfied with the knowledge that the baby is healthy and thriving.

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