I reached out to a new Angel Mommy yesterday, and I mean "new" as in her baby went to heaven on New Year's Day. It breaks my heart to know someone else has to endure such heartache. My husband and I always say that we are a part of a club that NO ONE wants to be a part of and we never asked to be in this club, just landed here by default. Thankfully, this new Angel Mommy got back in touch with me, I am SO hoping I can be there for her the way my Angel Mommy friends were there for me. I encouraged her to write about her experience and healing and was so proud and excited when I saw she had posted a blog, a message to her sweet angel.
Tonight I was listening to Sarah McLachlan while I was winding down for the night and the following song REALLY made me think of this new Angel Mommy. The lyrics speak volumes and give a voice to the depths of despair parents and families of baby angels go through. Even though it brought me back to a very dark place in my heart and mind, this song reminds me of how I felt being new to the club and hopefully returning to that perspective will help me be a good support for her.
"Wait" by Sarah McLachlan
Under a blackened sky
far beyond the glaring streetlights
sleeping on empty dreams
the vultures lie in wait
You lay down beside me then
you were with me every waking hour
so close I could feel your breath
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by their years
Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
but to be consumed again
oh I know would be the death of me
and there is a love that's inherently given
a kind of blindness offered to appease
and in that light of forbidden joy
oh I know I won't receive it
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the newborn hope unjaded by their years
You know if I leave you now
it doesn't mean that I love you any less
it's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by their years...
"Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith..it is the price of love"
Those lyrics actually sum up my emotions right now, Thankyou for writing to me, i will reply to your long messege on facebook when facebook mail decides to work properly for me, i got to read what you wrote and it was beautiful, i just couldnt reply? But every word you wrote to me was beautiful and so very true, i am greatful to all the 'angel mummys' and your totally right it is a group that none of want to be a part of unfortunatly we are. xXx
ReplyDeleteyou may get this twice, or some version of this, because blogger just lost my comment argh.
ReplyDeleteHere from Four plus and Angel's blog.
Sara's music has always affected me. In my own loss and pregnancy after loss journey, I have found myself identifying most closely with the songs "Answer" - one that resonates with me in regards to what it was to have to say goodbye to our daughter when the cancer that was taking her gave us no other choice, and "Winter Song" - the lyrics of which make me see in heartbreaking detail what could have been.
I have heard "Wait" a million times, and thinking of these lyrics -
When all we wanted was the dream
to have and to hold that precious little thing
like every generation yields
the new born hope unjaded by their years-
it is like I am REALLY hearing them for the first time.
I am so sorry that you, and the woman you reached out to, have had to become part of this dreadful club.
It breaks my heart - 2 years out from my own loss - that women continue to have to say goodbye to their much wanted and much loved babies. The fact that loss is never ending can be so overwhelming at times. You think - "haven't enough mothers already suffered?"
I am so sorry that you have had to say goodbye to your beautiful Trey. It's not fair. I am wishing you love and light as you navigate this world of pregnancy after loss.
xx
I'm over from four plus and angel. I am also part of this club that no one wants to be a part of. We are just beginning our ttc journey with a trip back to the fertility doctors. We're scared, hopeful, and scared some more.
ReplyDeleteI am happy to see that you are expecting your rainbow baby. I wish you all the best and can't wait to see your healthy baby when he or she is born.