Wednesday, December 8, 2010

9 1/2 weeks

So here we are, pregnant with our second child.  It sounds so weird to say considering our first child is not with us.  Ever since we found out we were pregnant, I have been flooded with emotions, happiness, relief, thoughts, fears, joys, anxiety, memories, and more fear and anxiety.  I haven't felt this many mixed emotions since we lost Trey.  At that time in my life I wrote about it, sharing my journey, bumps and smooth sailing alike, with my friends and family.  It gave me such peace to put into words the struggles and triumphs of our tragedy and the year following, although there are not enough words, not the right words to truly express what I was going through, physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I struggled with the decision to chronicle this pregnancy, fearing the backlash I might receive via my honesty and candor.  It puzzles me now why I am so concerned about it now, but I wrote so freely for a year about a situation much more tragic than a welcomed pregnancy.  On the other hand, there are things that I have already experienced in this pregnancy that I am sure would turn heads and have people telling me to chill out, and that's the last thing I need to hear.  So I have decided to go with my gut, to bring to light the realities of being pregnant after suffering the loss of a baby.

Not a lot of people openly discuss losing a child I found, and I am sure even fewer share the journey of a pregnancy following the loss of a child.  Most of the responses I received while journaling about the loss of our son were uplifting, gracious, and supportive.  I would like to believe that by sharing my journey, I helped other parents who were struggling, or at least shed light on the topic of child loss so that friends and family would have a better understanding.  That's my winning lottery ticket fantasy anyway.

With that said, I will not apologize in advance for my honesty and sincerity, I only apologize for the words that escape me.  This writing process is dedicated to my soul and the release that it will bring my soul to expel the nightmares of the past through journaling.


  1. Wishing you a happy & healthy pregnancy...looking forward to following your journey...

  2. I think it is a great idea to do this so you remember every detail. I wish i had with serenity cause now after loosing her i cant really remember a whole lot about the pregnancy even though it was as short as it was. an oh well to the people who dont like it if they dont they dont have to read. they prolly dont know how you feel. so you go girl and imma try and keep up with what you right. Love you and congrats agian

  3. :) My husband and I go in for egg collection tomorrow. Hopefully embryo transfer in 5 days. I hope I can share parts of your journey with you.

  4. Pregnancy after a loss is a unique experience and while joyful and like you said, mixed emotions, no doubt, sort of makes you re-live your whole first pregnancy all over again, opening some of those wounds. For me I was always comparing the two pregnancies. Also, as I started to grow a big noticeable belly, perfect strangers would start asking me if this was my first (I guess not seeing a tag along toddler was a clue) and then I would have to make a decision on the spot about how to handle that conversation. It happened so many times that I ended up just saying yes half the time to avoid explaining my personal life to those who really didn't care or didn't understand. Then I would be dealt the unwanted advice as to how to handle my very first birth experience or life as a first time mom or how lucky I was that I could just rest up and didn't have other kids to look after. ARGH! it made me angry but I couldn't really blame people, because really they didn't know and were just trying to be nice.

    As the months grew closer to my 2nd baby's birth, I became very anxious and stopped enjoying the pregnancy all together as I was hyper focused on just getting him here and in my arms, healthy and perfect. I think if I kept busier at that time it would have helped but because I was high risk I had to take the last 2 months off from work -besides my multiple doctor visits. I felt time slow to a crawl, similar to how time felt after my first son died. However, knowing I was in good hands this time and that my new doctors were competent and keeping there eye out for any possible sign of trouble , helped me relax a bit. I really enjoyed the frequent ultrasounds!

    But the happy joyful experience of feeling those first kicks again, those first hiccups, putting on the maternity clothes again, brought me so much happiness. I was cautious the 2nd time- no baby shower, and I didn't set up the nursery until 2 weeks before. I was so happy that I got to take Owen home (after 5 days in NICU) that I forgot to get dressed- I was sitting in the hospital lobby in my robe and slippers cradling my new bundle- while my "go home" clothes were still in my bag.

    We will talk more I am sure! Keep writing as it is good to work it out and to let others have a glimpse of what this all means to you- as many of your family and friends have been there through every step of the way with you. I cherish both of my journals I kept with both babies and still read them.

    Hope to see you soon and again so so happy for you!