They say every pregnancy is different which I am sure is true even in the most normal of circumstances. But my definition of "different" is WAY different, so to speak. My first pregnancy was a breeze up until a little over six months. I LOVED every minute of it, for better or worse. I loved my pregnant body, reading the books, getting the scans, going to the doctor, progressing to the next week, month, or trimester, the clothes, the movement of the baby, EVERYTHING!!! Every doctor's appointment and milestone was exciting and the time flew by. For seven and a half months I lived in a world where nothing bad could ever happen to me or our baby. It never entered my mind, despite the circumstances of those near and dear to me, I KNEW it would not happen to me. Every thing was going to turn out just fine! I fully expected to experience pure bliss during all of my pregnancies.
In this case, the second verse is not the same as the first. It seems like a lifetime ago that we found out that we were pregnant, the time just creeps by. Each appointment fills me with anxiety and dread, the back of my mind always filled with the what ifs. With each scan we have had, my heart stops until I see the baby's heart ticking away. Every trip to the bathroom is accompanied by worry. Though the joy is ALWAYS there, so is the fear of something happening. I am sure if Trey would be fine and toddling around right now, I would not be so wound tight. My anxiety has led me to speak to others in my support groups about their experiences with subsequent pregnancies after a loss and they all have similar stories so I know I am not off my rocker totally. There is a lot of fear and worry among our group of women who have lost babies. Losing a baby makes one realize that no matter how careful you are, how healthy you are, or how responsible you are, you might still become a statistic, one of the percentage who lose a baby.
Someone told me recently not to even think about something negative happening with this child or the pregnancy. The reality is something bad CAN and WILL happen EVEN if I cross my fingers, pray, make three wishes, blow on a dandelion, live in denial, blow out my birthday candles, wish on an eyelash, or click my heels three times. There are just some things that are out of my control and it sucks to face that reality, but it's true. We can only hope that this time, things go smoothly. I am not sure I will ever understand or know why we were chosen to lose our first born, as for what happens in the future only time will tell.
We spent so much time fearing that we would never become pregnant again and those fears have been squashed. With our new joy, a new fear comes into play. Don't get me wrong, we don't go around biting our nails and sweating with nervousness, though these feelings are always with us. With every positive appointment and ultrasound we breathe a sigh of relief. Lots of elements about this pregnancy and the child developing inside me make us smile, laugh, and look forward to the future with our child. We try to keep ourselves in the positive and focus on what we do have control over with this pregnancy, like healthy choices and taking care of ourselves as individuals and as a couple. I don't expect us to be worry free anytime soon, but I am hoping that with each milestone passed and each development checked off, our minds will be more at ease, readying us to hold our healthy son or daughter while we greet him/her into this world.