Thursday, October 30, 2014

For My Children

I hear this song this morning and never connected it with my children.  That has changed.



"Your Song"

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

If I was a sculptor, but then again, no
Or a man who makes potions in a travelling show
I know it's not much but it's the best I can do
My gift is my song and this one's for you

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I sat on the roof and kicked off the moss
Well a few of the verses well they've got me quite cross
But the sun's been quite kind while I wrote this song
It's for people like you that keep it turned on

So excuse me forgetting but these things I do
You see I've forgotten if they're green or they're blue
Anyway the thing is what I really mean
Yours are the sweetest eyes I've ever seen

And you can tell everybody this is your song
It may be quite simple but now that it's done
I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

I hope you don't mind
I hope you don't mind that I put down in words
How wonderful life is while you're in the world

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

From Where You Are




"From Where You Are"

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you

So far away from where you are
I'm standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart
I see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they'd mean everything to me
Yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you, yeah I miss you
And I wish you were here

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Hate the Grief not the Griever


Today is International Baby Loss Awareness Day as it is every October 15th.  I have flooded my Facebook page and the Angel Steps Facebook page with candles lit in honor of Angel Babies taken too soon.  This has caused me to reflect.

Thankfully I have never heard it, I would cut a !@#$#@, but there are those who claim that people have told them that they should "get over" losing their child.  I, for one, have a few things to say about that!  (Surprising, I know!)

The Angel Parents Club is one that NO ONE wants to join, we just happen to be in it due to horrific circumstances.  It is a lifelong commitment with NO chance of an obligatory fee to quit.  We are the only ones who know what it feels like to lose a baby, niece, nephew, Goddaughter, Godson, Grandchild, Great Grandchild, Cousin, 2nd Cousin, Step Daughter, Step Son, Foster Son, Foster Daughter...need I go on?  We stand up and support our own and welcome the support of everyone yet we are judged for our plight by those who do no understand what it is like to experience such a loss.

We speak about our children the same as any parent, they are, after all, still our children.  We honor their memories and carry them in our hearts at whatever capacity that gives us peace.  We rely on them as needed to help us start a new day and to put one foot in front of the other sometimes because their strength is all we have left of them.  We don't have the rest of their lives to celebrate, only the fleeting moments that we grip on to with the strength of Atlas himself because our children, just like all, are more than dreams.  They are hopes and plans for the future, our legacy, our progeny, our purpose for family, our bloodline, our namesake.  In my case, Trey was John Thomas Chatham III.  That name cannot continue and my husband and Father-In-Law are reminded of that every time they sign their name.  Imagine how often that is.  Try forgetting that.

Many of us support other efforts and organizations without judgment but some see our efforts as Angel Parents as living in the past.  Isn't that all we have, our past with our children?  We certainly don't have a future with them.  In fact, we can only imagine the milestones and futures our children would've had.  We support charities and causes because it is the right thing to do, not out of pity.  We don't want pity, simply understanding.

We parent our living children better than we might have because we know how precious each minute is with them and we know tomorrow holds no certainties.  We are more sensitive to those around us who are going through hard times, as, we too, have been through Hell and back and are still standing.
We do this because there is no other choice.  I have been told that I am so strong.  What choice did I have?  Some give me that look that suggests that I off myself.  That is not an option for me and many others but I won't judge anyone who ventured there.  I had to live because my son could not.  Our babies are not ready for us in Heaven, they want us to live their legacies and make them proud with our accomplishments.  It can be inferred that they have taken the parent role in watching us make accomplishments and milestones in life instead of the other way around.  In that case, I want to make my son proud.  

It is a heavy weight to bear, but the daily strength training Angel Parents do enhances our lives and makes us healthier people.  They are our Scarlet Letter to some, but to us they are our Red Badge of Courage.

There is no cure for what we have gone through.

There is no law that can be passed to make it right.

There is no political party to call upon to take it away.

There is no army to fight it off.

There is no god to pray to that will reverse what has happened.

We live daily with holes in our hearts yet our hearts are full of love for our children, Earthly and Heavenly.

We know that you can't always support our cause with donations or gifts, neither can we always reciprocate.  Our only wish is that you support our cause with whatever you can, whether it be funding, prayers or hugs.  We always pledge the same.  We did not choose this, we only want to live and love through it.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Everyone Else is Doing it, Why can't I?

So, I have reached the point in my life where the possibility of having another child is slim.  Add insult to injury, lots of my friends are having second and third children.   I am happy for them in my heart, but there are small pockets that SCREAM I wish it were me!  I have been here before with all of the infertility problems I had.  It was especially painful to know that others can get pregnant right away.  There are so many parents who don't take care of the ones they have but keep getting pregnant with ease.

This weekend I was watching one of my favorite shows which stars a women who had 5 miscarriages before she gave birth to a boy.  Her son ended up being on the severe side of the Autism spectrum.  Is that the reason that the Universe, God, fate, whatever maintain it is not in my grand plan of life?  The thing is, I would gladly take another child no matter the problems that came along with him or her.  I have dealt with it before and wish he was well enough to have some kind of productive life.

So here I sit, jipped again, heartbroken over the loss of my first born and mourning the possibility of the third child I have always wanted.  I am enjoying every minute, even the difficult ones, with my Rainbow darling but it occurs to me with every struggle and triumph, it will the only time I get to experience it.

I find myself salty towards those who warn about various stages of a child's life, "The Terrible 2's", The Troublesome 3's", puberty, teenage, college, etc. And then there are those who say, "Oh, boy are you in trouble!"   Honestly, I have taken advantage of all of them to teach my child instead of fret.  I can't say there haven't been moments but those who say it goes fast are often the ones that dread each period of life.  Maybe I am biased because I do not have multiple children, but then there it goes again, the sorrow over having just one Earthly child.

She would make such a WONDERFUL big sister.  I welcome the challenges if they were to exist, I always love a challenge.  But the challenge I am facing now are almost unbearable.  I know I will get through them but I will never get over not having them and that is the greatest challenge of all.

The fact is, I DID lose a child, but that should not mean I should be denied the third child I have always dreamed (since I was 5) that would complete our family.

It seems sorrow is followed by heartbreak of the consequences of our loss.  The mourning is cyclical I do not know how to break the cycle.  The hubby is not budging and decisions are made by the family.  I have considered his side, he is traumatized still.  I just wish he wasn't so afraid.  "No one got anywhere by being scared all the time", Shelby said in Steel Magnolias.  Still, I am honoring his wishes, or am I sacrificing myself.  I am not sure, it is so muddy in that place.

I simply pray that Divine Intervention will once again teach me that all things happen in their own time the way they always have in my life.

Impatience is NOT a virtue!  Le sigh....

Monday, August 18, 2014




"I Never Told You"

I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep
Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you
I can't believe it, I still want you
After all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa...

I see your blue eyes
Every time I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you (still you're gone)
I can't believe it, I still want you (And I'm lovin' you, I never should have walked away)
After all the things we've been through (I know it's never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa...

But I never told you
What I should have said
No I never told you
I just held it in

And now I miss everything about you (still you're gone)
Can't believe it, I still want you (And I'm lovin' you, I never should have walked away)
After all the things we've been through (I know it’s never gonna come again)
I miss everything about you
Without you, whoa, no, no...

Friday, August 15, 2014

Handbook





Recently, I was given a "talking to" by someone who did not agree with my daughter knowing about Trey.  This came from someone who has not a child but has experienced loved ones losing a child so that makes them an expert.  It started with me sharing that Lorelei asked about a dog who had recently passed away and I told her that the dog was playing with Trey in Heaven.  She was upset about the pictures we have of him in the house.  One of the picture collages was taken down when our bedroom was painted and has not been put up since.  My favorite picture of him is high on our piano and she can not see it.  The only other picture is the of her looking at his picture as a baby.  She expressed her extreme concern for our daughter.

I was really upset by the conversation which included the term "dead baby" and burdening our daughter.  There was also a mention of my need to seek professional help and that I have not accepted the fact that Trey is dead.  I was told that talking to Trey is unhealthy and that our daughter should not be "burdened" by our grief.

To this I thanked her for sharing but said that my husband I will decide what is right for our daughter.  Lorelei asked about a picture we have on our wall of her as a baby looking at his picture.  She wanted to know who the baby was and we told her.  Did we go into details? No!  She understands that Trey is helping and playing with the Angels and that he watches over her.  When a balloon gets let go of, she tells Trey to catch it.  She is no way burdened by any grief and has never once got upset over him.  She mentions him every now and again then goes about her way.  Our lives do not revolve around our grief.  We keep on living holding in our hearts because that is what we have to do

The way my husband and I see it is just because he is gone, that does not mean he is not a part of out family.  We love both of our children dearly and we choose to include him in our lives.  Do we obsess over it? No!.  We joke about little weird things that happen in the house that have no explanation like toys turning on by themselves and we blame Trey.  Most of our interactions with Trey are light hearted for the occasional break down which is bound to happen in a case like this.

My advice for those who have not lost a child is, if you have the handbook on grieving through child loss, hand it over.  You don't have to like what we are doing but respect our decisions.  She is no way in danger or emotional peril so please back off.  We would stop talking about him if we sensed it was upsetting her.  She will have more questions about him and we will handle those when they come in the same manner.

Friday, April 18, 2014

You'll Be In My Heart





"You'll Be In My Heart"

Come stop your crying
It will be alright
Just take my hand
Hold it tight

I will protect you
From all around you
I will be here
Don't you cry

For one so small,
You seem so strong
My arms will hold you,
Keep you safe and warm
This bond between us
Can't be broken
I will be here
Don't you cry

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

You'll be in my heart
No matter what they say
You'll be here in my heart, always

Why can't they understand the way we feel?
They just don't trust what they can't explain
I know we're different but deep inside us
We're not that different at all

And you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
From this day on
Now and forever more

Don't listen to them
'Cause what do they know (what do they know)?
We need each other
To have, to hold.
They'll see in time
I know

When destiny calls you
You must be strong (you gotta be strong)
I may not be with you
But you've got to hold on
They'll see in time
I know
We'll show them together

'Cause you'll be in my heart
Yes, you'll be in my heart
[another version says: "Believe me, you'll be in my heart"]
I'll be there from this day on,
Now and forever more

Oh, you'll be in my heart (you'll be here in my heart)
No matter what they say (I'll be with you)
You'll be here in my heart (I'll be there), always
Always
I'll be with you
I'll be there for you always
Always and always
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
Just look over your shoulder
I'll be there always.