Tuesday, April 8, 2014

After Days

Every year is hard but this year seems to be the hardest.
Why is it when it's now we've come the farthest.
After you passes another child was within hope.
The hope of a healthy child helped us to cope.
Our healthy daughter is a blessing to treasure.
Even though our grief would never lose any measure.
The hope that was there back then is depleted.
This year the pain I feel is greater now that I have been cheated.
The third child I wanted is not in "the plan".
So these memorial days have passed, now I do what I can.
I struggle to find the hope I felt after you passed.
To have the family I've always dreamt of is all in the past.
Your Daddy can't bear to go through all of it again.
To live through of it brings the memories back from within.
My dream of more life takes it's place in the back seat.
Another loss, another hope, another grief in which to retreat.
The days past the memories should be bring me the same peace
As when we gave you health, the most selfish release.
Instead I feel robbed again, as if losing you wasn't enough.
The mourning the child that could've been has been extremely rough.
So I ask you grant me patience for what might be.
For the future that I fail to see.
I need peace in my heart that my dreams will be fulfilled
In whatever way my fate has it sealed.
These days after will be haunted by the dreams that I feel.
Change my thoughts and my focus on my blessed present.
And the purpose for which my life has been meant.
I can not live in the life of what could've.
But enjoy all the blessings of the ones that I love.
In hopes that one day my dreams will be fulfilled
In the manner in which time will me until
We meet in Heaven and I understand what it was all about.
My life and my love with will be my blessed account.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Ship Of Fools

Today is April Fools Day.  I have always enjoyed an innocent prank on this day until I experienced a betrayal.

5 years ago today we were overjoyed from the phone call we got that there was a bed at the local children's hospital for our son.

Little did we know the shit storm we were in for.

Trey almost had the opportunity to ride in a helicopter but he ended up in an ambulance, with me in the passenger seat wishing I were back in the cab with him.  I witnessed cars not pulling aside for the sirens and the driver driving over curbs to get him there.  John drove by himself, opting to let me "ride with him" and when we got there, the nurse in the ambulance said that he had "an attitude problem" on the way there which meant he  had to be stabilized.  Maybe that is the reason why they didn't allow me back there.   I said to her, "Little asshole!", and she hugged me  laughingly and said, "Don't lose that sense of humor in this situation."

When we got to the children's hospital, I was desperate to find my husband which was a difficult feat considering the understandable res tape you have to get through in any children's hospital.

When I did find him, we could not see Trey because he was getting "settled in" which  means stabilization and evaluation.  When we finally could see him it was fairly short, then the doctors whisked us away for a chat.  That is when our bubbles burst, the day that should've been a celebration and hope for our son's health fell to pieces.

"We have a feeling you haven't been told the whole story."

The Dean of Medicine of the NICU nodded his head.

Our hearts sank.

My mind fogged.

We had been fooled on the day we finally had hope.

To this day I have to ask my husband to translate what the doctors said even though I know what I know now.  He had to explain it over and over because he is left brained and he gets it.

My heart did not get it and refused to get it.

My brain knew.

But despite our hearts feeling and our brains knowing, he still lied to us.  Trey was dying all along.

I wish this was an April Fools joke...I truly wish

Sunday, March 30, 2014

My Only Regret

I don't regret bringing my son into the world.  I don't regret anything about him...save one.

I wish I would've spent more time with him.  He was so fragile that the staff at the hospital had to get him back to homeostasis when we left due to the exposure of stimulus he received from our visits.  This worried us so we limited our time with him so that he would rest and get better, the way we were made to believe that he would.

I ached for him so much when we were apart yet felt sorrow at the sight of his fragile body.  I loved, and still love, him dearly.  I longed for the time when we could spend time with him when he was on the mend but at that time he needed his strength, how ever little there was of it.

It makes me feel like a selfish, awful mother, a woman to focused on the hope of a healthy future for him only to realize that that time was fleeting.  I should have cherished the time we had with him no matter what was to occur.  He needed me and I was not there.

We were fooled in regards to his health yet my presence should have been there to comfort him and at least see him through the hard days.

I cannot fault my husband, as he said, "My place is with you."  It killed him to see his son in that state too, but his tenderness towards Trey showed his love.

Hind sight is 20/20 but the most painful reminder to me of the time I squandered.  I might have been able to bear being there when he passed had I spent more time with him, addicted to holding him in my arms.  I could not stomach it.  I am a coward.

It haunts my heart, especially at this time of year.  I imagine how it  must have looked at the NICU in the hospital he was born in, unless the nurses knew too.  I pray they understood that we wanted him to be in the best of health for his transfer.  He became slightly unstable during our visits, not so much as he was in danger, just his excitement for us to be there.  I venture to guess how he would've gradually calmed and the reactions he was having would've been less severe if I had spent more time with him.  I will never know.  I never gave it a chance.  I never gave him a chance.

How was I to know?

Still, he was my child and he needed me and I was not there.  I should've  been there to calm him in his excitement and to encourage him to rest.  I was not there to do that.

Was it merely my heart refusing t accept the inevitable?  That is of no consequence, I should have been there for whatever time I could, to take advantage of the short time I had with my son, even if we were led to believe he was on the mend.

I know he understands and has no need to forgive.

I know he knows that I will never forgive myself for my selfishness, though he wishes I would.

I will never forgive myself, it is unacceptable for me as a mother.  I failed him when he needed me the most.  I will forever be ashamed of this.

That time was precious, I squandered it.

I am so sorry son.  Trey, I can't take it back, though I wish I could.  I can't give it to you to hold and keep away from my heart.  You have always had too much on your tiny shoulders.

I hold it like a talisman, a scarlet letter, to remind me how precious time is, and to never take it for granted again.

Still, this is my one regret and I will never forget it or forgive it.

Again, I am sorry my sweet son.

Saturday, March 29, 2014

Touching Tribute

grave

A grieving mom’s thoughtful gesture for her toddler is prompting tears and an outpouring of support from parents who have lost a child. Ashlee Hammac, who lives in Lake City, Fla., decided to add a sandbox to the grave site of her baby boy so that her older son, Tucker, would be more comfortable visiting the resting place.

“I wanted him to have a happy memory with his brother and not the memory of his mama crying for days,” Hammac, 24, told TODAY Moms. “Since we've had that out there, he’ll actually ask sometimes to go and play with baby Ryan… He calls that baby Ryan’s house.”
Ryan was born last October, one day after Hammac’s birthday.

When he arrived, Ryan didn't cry and he wasn't breathing. Doctors told Hammac her placenta had ruptured and a team of nurses whisked the baby away before she got a chance to see what he looked like.

Doctors finally got Ryan's heart to beat, but the little boy was suffering from severe hypoxic ischemic encephalopathy (HIE), a condition in which the brain does not receive enough oxygen. Ryan had no brain activity recorded at any time after he was born, Hammac said. He died five days later.

Hammac, who is a single mom, has been visiting Ryan’s grave every day, bringing 3-year-old Tucker along on days when there was no one else to watch him. She noticed the boy would often want to play on top of the grave and that’s when she got the idea to add the unusual feature.  “He has a sandbox at home and absolutely loves it,” Hammac said. “I think it helps him because he doesn’t get so upset talking about him when he can go out there.”

She posted a photo of Tucker visiting Ryan’s resting place on her Facebook page to show her family. Her mom then allowed a support group to post the picture and the response was overwhelming. Almost 50,000 people have shared the photo on Facebook and 175,000 have liked it.

Hammac had mixed emotions at first about the image becoming so public, but after getting lots of support for her decision and her charity, which raises awareness of HIE, the photo “has felt like a blessing,” she said.  While the photo may strike some as odd, it actually shows something very healthy, said Robin F. Goodman, a psychologist specializing in bereavement issues, She praised Hammac for being open and honest about her baby’s passing and for acclimating her older son to the idea of life and death.  


Grief and healing: Mom adds sandbox to baby's grave so son can 'play' with brother


It’s not a taboo subject in this family,” said Goodman, the executive director of A Caring Hand, The Billy Esposito Foundation in New York, which helps kids and families cope with death.  “You don’t have to hide when something sad happens.”

Young children like Tucker don’t fully understand death and are reacting to the environment around them and the emotions of their parents, Goodman said. It’s not until age 8 or 9 that kids grasp the concept of death.
They also grieve and mourn in their own ways. A toddler, upset that something is different, may regress and have bathroom accidents or tantrums, Goodman said. School-age kids may feel sad, angry, lonely, and be worried the death is their fault or feel scared that somebody else will die. Teens may try hard not to show their feelings, become more isolated or act out with drugs or alcohol. 

There are some basic steps parents can take to help kids through grief.  “You want to keep the routine and structure as normal as possible, because it helps give them a sense of security and comfort and stability,” Goodman said.  “Make sure you give them outlets for expressing their feelings… (and) make sure you’re talking with them about what’s going on.”

For more resources about helping kids cope with grief, visit The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

http://www.today.com/moms/grief-healing-mom-adds-sandbox-babys-grave-so-son-can-2D79381429 

Friday, March 28, 2014

5

fingers to touch
years of bedtime stories
years "Good Morning"
toes to tickle
birthdays
Angel Dates
Trey Days
hugs at daily pick-up
years of blogging
years of mourning
years of surviving
Father's Days
Mother's Days
rooms upstairs, one empty
Christmases
senses to explore
Halloween costumes
Easters
Thanksgivings
school days in a week
years of pictures
the sum of your birth date
years sympathy
pieces of furniture in your room
members of my dream family of 3 kids
my lucky number
members of our family before you, including pets
family members when we had you, including pets
days in the hospital for your birth
time my water broke
years I have missed you
weeks Daddy took off work to be with me
lanterns we'll release on your Angel Day
service projects for you
oceans you would've explored
grandparents
Great Aunts on Mommy's side
Great Uncles on Mommy's side
Great Uncles on Daddy's side
summers at the pool
 Grand "Neighbors"

years I have loved you...


New Domain Name

Sooooooo, I got a new debit card and forgot to update it with my domain server.   Someone else is now the "proud" owner of that site.  SMH, just in time for our Trey dates. 

Well, I guess it was time for a refresh so I am rolling with it!  Please save this new domain to your browser!!

treysangelsteps.org

As always, thank you for your support and love!

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

How Do I Love Thee

How do I love thee?  Let me count the ways

I love that your my son and my first born.
I love your name, your Daddy's namesake.
I love how you were born at the start of Spring.
I love your sweet little face, even though I did not see it through the tubes.
I love your blue eyes that you opened for me and let me take a picture.
I love your tiny hands and fingers that your wrapped around mine.
I love your tiny toes, chubby like Mommy's
I love your soft and skin and that I got to caress them.
I love your tender cheeks that I nuzzled with my own,
I love your long torso and short legs, just like your Daddy's.
I love how your heart rate when up when we were near even though it worried me.
I love your dark soft hair which would've surely had curls.
I love all the time we were blessed to spend with you no matter how hard it sometimes was.
I love the way you were peaceful when we read, sang or talked to you.
I love the way you felt in my arms.
I love the way you settled into your Daddy's embrace.
I love how you enjoyed your first bath.
I love you copping an attitude on the ride to the children's hospital.
I love how serene you looked while sleeping.
I love your stubby little nose that I gave Eskimo Kisses to.
I love the proof that you were alive in the beeping machines.
I love how you waited for us to be ready to let you go.
I love your determination to live despite the odds.
I love and strive to have your level of bravery.
I love that you listened to me and went home to Heaven.
I love how you inspire me and so many others.
I love how happy you make me when I think of you.
I love the tears I cry for you as they reflect my love for you.
I love being able to talk to you and feeling that you are truly there.
I love feeling your kisses in the wind.
I love feeling you nearby.
I love knowing that you watch over your sister.
I love it that she is starting to know and love you the way we do.
I love hearing your name from everyone who loves you.
I love your many nicknames like Trey-Bay and Trouper.
I love the songs that remind me of you even though they are sometimes hard to get through.
I love that you share an Angel Date with my hero Martin Luther King Jr.
I love saying that I have two children even though you are only with us in spirit.
I love reaching out to other Angel Parents as a part of your legacy.
I love doing service projects in your name.
I love that you were cared for at Children's Healthcare with dignity and respect.
I love that you fought for life without us knowing how sick you were.
I love that you were knew to be born early so that you would be safer.
I love thinking of you in Heaven as the age you actually are.
I love that you get to be with all of the people I love in Heaven, especially Mucca.
I love the thought of you helping other Angel Babies that enter Heaven's Playground.
I love that there are so many things to love about you that it would take me forever to list them.

I love you to infinity and beyond my dear son, always and forever.